the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
