he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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