She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
