When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
