He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
