I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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