Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
