I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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