White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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