she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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