4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
she peed on how many people?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
