You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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