I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Randomize
