I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
But theres a keg here and me gusta
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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