Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
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