There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
How does it feel to date your dad?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
