i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
