my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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