I wish I could teleport
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
we made out on top of his cat.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
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