I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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