She's like a pop up book from hell.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
