I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
