On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
