Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
