My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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