i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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