Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
