Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
NoShamevember. You game?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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