I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
this will be a night to untag.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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