Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
