FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
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