Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
