i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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