No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
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