my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
