Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize