She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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