the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
