I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
