Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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