If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
