she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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