just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
