By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
