kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
