he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
