I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
