Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
