one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
