Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
