I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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