a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
