I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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