I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
