i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
