My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
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