Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
