i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize