I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
